Research shows when marriages are faced with adversity, people wait an average of seven years before reaching out for help. Why is this so?
Sometimes they’re afraid. The thought of marriage counseling can be nerve-wracking if you’ve never been to individual counseling or couples counseling. Other times, someone might not understand how marriage counseling can help their situation. But we believe one of the main reasons people wait so long to reach out for help is because they don’t want to feel judged.
The truth is there’s a stigma around marriage counseling, which can make people feel like they’ve failed or there’s something wrong with them. Quite the opposite is true. It takes a lot of courage to recognize the need for marriage counseling, and it might just be the thing you need to save your marriage and restore the friendship between you and your partner.
If you’re thinking about seeking marriage counseling, there are probably many things you’d like to know first. To help you with your decision, we asked Kenosis co-founder Dave Shields to answer some common questions we hear about marriage counseling. We hope this Q&A reduces your nerves, answers your questions, and makes you more comfortable reaching out for help. Click the links below to jump directly to questions in this article.
- Can a marriage be saved without counseling?
- When is it too late for marriage counseling?
- How important is marriage counseling?
- What can my partner and I expect from attending couples counseling?
- What’s it like to go to marriage counseling?
- How do I prepare for couples counseling?
- When should I seek couples therapy?
- Does marriage counseling work?
Can a marriage be saved without counseling?
If you are early in your marriage and are encountering problems, it’s possible to recover. Dave recommends the books The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Hold Me Tight by Susan Johnson for struggling couples. These two books will lead you through the necessary steps to recover a good marriage. However, if couples wait the average of seven years to reach out, maladaptive patterns are likely to have become ingrained. Dave believes most couples at this stage need professional guidance to regain the happiness they’ve lost.
When is it too late for marriage counseling?
It’s rarely too late for marriage counseling. Dave says, “There are two patterns I see often in relationships. The first is the couple who’ve been married for a long time, are unhappy, and simply continue to live in a sub-par relationship. The second is couples who’ve only been married for a short time and are too quick to give up. They don’t realize that conflict is a natural occurrence, and when navigated successfully, brings a richness and depth to relationships.” Counseling can help couples learn to deal with conflict in a healthy and productive way.
Kenosis marriage counselor, Dan Miller, adds, “It’s not too late to go to marital counseling. As long as there is still a willingness to try and all hope is not gone, then I think counseling can be beneficial.”
How important is marriage counseling?
If you’re in a relationship that’s lost its shine and you are stuck in negative patterns of interaction, marriage counseling can be a life-changing experience. Dave mentions, “I’ve worked with over a thousand couples, and many felt like they’d lost all connection and hope. It’s been a wonderful journey for me to help lead couples back to great communication, shared goals, and intimacy. About 85% of the couples I’ve worked with stay together and have reclaimed an extraordinary relationship.”
What can my partner and I expect from attending couples counseling?
You can expect to work with a therapist who’s committed to a blameless approach. When it comes to marital issues, there are no innocent victims. In counseling, you will learn new ways of interacting and understanding one another and how to trust each other again. You’ll regain a sense of lightness and humor originating from the friendship you established early on in your relationship. By the time your sessions are complete, you will understand how to support each other’s goals and begin setting future goals for your relationship.
What’s it like to go to marriage counseling?
First of all, it takes tremendous courage to reach out for help. People often feel guilt and shame for going to marriage counseling, and some fear that the counselor will take their partner’s side. Dave adds, “Partners often feel disillusioned and hopeless at the beginning. It’s often the case that one partner is more motivated than the other, and that’s okay. If you’ve been in couples counseling before and it didn’t work, just know there is hope.” You might need to try seeing a therapist trained in the models and approaches that are proven to work (all Kenosis counselors are!)
In your first marriage counseling session, the counselor will give you each an initial assessment to get background information on each person. The goal is for the therapist to understand the problems, issues, and challenges that brought you here. At Kenosis, the therapist will meet with each person individually, then all three of you will come back together and decide on a plan for marital therapy. Every plan varies depending on the problems the couple is experiencing.
How do I prepare for couples counseling?
Again, Dave recommends reading the two books The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work and Hold Me Tight prior to coming to counseling. They will prepare you for the work ahead. He also says, “Most importantly, come with an open mind and be ready to be honest. Commit to a minimum of 12 sessions. Many are afraid counseling won’t work. Feel your fear and take the next step.” Counseling will be challenging and difficult at the beginning, but it will also be fun. As you progress, you’ll experience momentum, regain hope, and start to enjoy each other once again.
When should I seek couples therapy?
You should consider counseling if you’ve tried to address issues and haven’t been successful. Dave gives a few examples: “If you fight with no positive outcomes and don’t come back together after a fight. If you’re feeling lonely in your relationship, have lost trust, and are beginning to build resentment. If intimacy is an issue. If you do not feel understood by your partner and your needs aren’t being met.” Most couples wait too long; don’t make that mistake. If you’ve thought you need help, then you probably do.
Does marriage counseling work?
Marriage counseling absolutely works! Dave recalls, “I’ve worked with couples on the brink of divorce who have come back to reclaim an extraordinary marriage. I’ve worked with couples who divorced and then wanted to give it another try and were successful. I’ve helped couples early in their marriages recover their intimacy, trust, and hope. Please don’t give up on your relationship before trying marriage counseling. It can save your marriage.”
If you feel desperate to turn things around in your marriage, reach out to us today. We’ll match you with the therapist who fits your needs the best. After the recommended 12 sessions, you will feel that you got your best friend back.