Learning to handle conflict with your partner is one of the hardest challenges a couple will face in marriage. Depression in one spouse throws a wrench in conflict and makes it even harder to overcome. Depression affects the way a person comprehends situations and manages emotions. As you can imagine, this can make handling conflict infinitely more difficult.
Studies show every person will experience some form of depression in their lives. The spectrum of depression can range from feeling sad or blue, which is very normal, to major depression. It’s important to learn how to recognize depressive feelings within yourself and your partner to grow as a couple.
We invited Kenosis co-founder, Dave Shields, to discuss managing conflict with a spouse with depression. Having battled chronic depression, Dave can offer unique insight on supporting your spouse suffering from depression.
Understanding Your Partner with Depression
In any relationship, it’s important to work towards understanding your partner; this is especially true when one spouse has depression. When someone has depression, their thought process drastically changes when faced with conflict. They may have the inability to form the right words to express their feelings, which can lead to further frustration on both sides.
Dave explains, “In studies, we see that they don’t use the prefrontal cortex like somebody who’s not depressed might, so their problem-solving skills aren’t kicked in during depressive times. Depressed people can stonewall and shut down or get moody and blow up fairly quickly, which may seem out of character for them.” As we learned from a recent article with Kenosis therapist Addi Lillywhite, stonewalling is when someone withdraws, shuts down, and stops responding or interacting during an argument. It’s a common reaction but does nothing to resolve conflict.
Dave continues, “What I’ve noticed over time with folks who struggle with depression is that they’re easily overstimulated and overwhelmed. That happens often in intimate conflict, which makes it difficult for them to be productive in an exchange like that.”
Understanding what triggers your partner and learning about the disease of depression will improve communication and problem-solving skills. Dave recommends SAMSA, AFSP, and NAMI as resources to learn about depression. You can also get involved in family support groups online or in person. It’s important to take the time to understand how your partner comprehends and copes with conflict.
You can also encourage your partner to seek professional help to treat their depression. Although they may be resistant at first, it’s your job as their spouse to advocate for them. Men and women beat themselves up when they experience any kind of depression, thinking they shouldn’t be feeling this way. Recognize your partner’s struggles and approach them with love. Not only will this strengthen your relationship, but you’ll begin to further understand how they feel during conflict when it inevitably comes up.
Approaching Your Partner with Love
If you haven’t been successful in communicating or problem-solving with someone who is depressed, take a step back and gain better knowledge about their mindset and emotions. Dave adds, “This can be helpful so you’re not just going at them [during an argument] like you might a normal person. Sometimes we have to treat people who are depressed with kid gloves. That’s not to say that we don’t hold them accountable for their behaviors or don’t ask assertively what we need from them, but there’s a way to do it.”
When depression is involved, it can often make the conflict worse. It can leave someone feeling immense guilt, sadness, shame, and worry. When you add marital conflict on top, this person can feel attacked, alone, and hopeless. Your role as a spouse is to support your partner, and that means respecting and acknowledging their disease and learning how to treat them to not make their depression worse.
Approaching your partner with love is always a great place to start. When you come to them calmly and intentionally, you can clearly articulate your feelings. Approaching with anger or hostility will cause your spouse to shut down and internalize everything they think they’re doing wrong. As Dave said, you have to treat your spouse gently, even when you’re upset, to work through conflict in a healthy way.
Counseling for Depression
If you have a spouse with depression, counseling is a great first step. A counselor can help you understand the disease of depression and how to be a support system for your partner.
Also, encourage your partner to attend one-on-one counseling to work on restoring themselves. You can then attend couples counseling to work on moving forward in your relationship. Dave says, “I see faster progress once somebody has started recovery and is starting to get better from depression before beginning couples counseling.” Let them focus on healing themselves first, and then you can heal the partnership.
There’s hope, education, and support for you. You don’t have to do it alone. Dave ends by saying, “You’re the life jacket for your partner. Sometimes if you’re waiting out in the ocean for a while, the life jacket will get saturated. You’re going to need to practice really good self-care as much as you can. Then you can bring that life jacket out so it’s light and buoyant, and it can hold you and your partner up during this depressive episode.”
Take advantage of the online resources available to you. When you’re ready to come to individual or couples counseling, give us a call. We want to support you and your partner through this difficult time of depression and work with you on resolving conflict in a healthy way.