A child goes through a rollercoaster of emotions when their parents divorce. There are a lot of things changing all at once, and it can be tough for them to adjust. This is especially true when one or both parents decide to remarry.
Believe it or not, almost 80% of people get remarried after a divorce, and around 30% of marriages include step-children. Not only does a child have to adjust to seeing their parents less often, but they now have to accept new family members. The transition doesn’t always go smoothly.
We asked Ellen Paris, a Kenosis coaching partner, to speak on this topic. Her background and 32 years of experience coaching kids and parents make her the perfect person to talk about step-sibling relationships and how to co-parent. She gives valuable advice to biological parents and step-parents to create a peaceful blended family situation.
The Biggest Challenge with Step-Sibling Relationships
There are several potential challenges in step-sibling relationships. Kids are growing and developing on their own, but they’re sometimes expected to act more maturely than they are. A big challenge Ellen often sees with step-sibling relationships is competition around attention.
She explains, “That’s what kids all want. Even in an intact household, that would be an issue, competing for the attention of the parent. In the step-parent household, the biggest difference would be one parent is the step-parent. Being a step-parent of a non-natural child ups the ante with attention-seeking and playing fair.”
Kids seek attention and validation from their parents, step or not. If the step-parent can’t accept their step-kids as their own, there will be problems among the siblings. They could bicker and get into more arguments and cause trouble to gain the attention of both parents.
Although parents will indeed have a natural bias towards their biological children, there shouldn’t be clear sides of the family. This will only cause a rift between the step-siblings and the parents. To create a cohesive home environment, give appropriate attention to each child. Consider spending one-on-one time with each child and reassuring them that they are loved and accepted into this new family.
How to Co-Parent Effectively
Through her years of experience, Ellen has seen successful and unsuccessful co-parenting situations. The following tips are some common challenges and how to overcome them.
Discipline
There isn’t a clear way to be fair in co-parenting situations, especially when it comes to discipline. Ellen frequently works with parents who argue about disciplinary roles. She recommends, if possible, to leave disciplinary actions to the natural parent.
The kids are already used to their biological parent’s disciplinary styles. The biological parent also knows what the child responds to regarding discipline and understands their personality. Especially in the beginning, the step-parent may not have earned the child’s respect, loyalty, or trust yet. Jumping in with discipline could fall on deaf ears or make the child rebel even more.
While several scenarios could alter this assessment, the general rule of thumb is to let the biological parent discipline their children. This could change in the future as the relationship between step-parents and step-kids develops. Every family is different, so consider your situation and what would be best for the child.
Unresolved Adult Issues
Ellen also points out that parents could bring unresolved issues into their new family, which could affect the kids. She explains, “You have to take care of your own business first. If you’re harboring a lot of blame and issues towards the divorce to the other parent, that could carry over into the household of the other parents with the blended family. It can be really messy if they haven’t dealt with their own stuff through therapy, counseling, or coaching.”
Your child soaks in everything you say against your ex-partner. If you’re talking negatively, they will take those same emotions, words, and actions into the other parent’s household, making co-parenting much harder. We understand you experience a wave of emotions going through a divorce. It’s important to take care of yourself so your family can thrive.
Involve Your Ex
In step-parent situations, there’s likely another parent involved from a previous relationship. To co-parent effectively, have the best relationship with your ex-partner as possible. If they are still in your child’s life, you should make an effort to involve them in your new family.
Ellen shares, “If at all possible, you should be able to introduce your new partner to the other parent. I’ve seen that be very successful. My son did that. They agreed when they separated that when other relationships are serious and this person will be introduced to their child, they can meet them. That doesn’t mean approval, but I think that can take away a lot of the issues in the future that this person knows their ex’s new partner. They’ve been introduced, and they can talk. Then co-parenting isn’t quite as, like, ‘What are they doing with my child?’ That’ll play into the kids getting along with the step-parent.”
It can be uncomfortable, but it’s beneficial when everyone can get along. We understand this isn’t possible in some situations; if you can, make the effort to include everyone.
How to Bring the Family Together
With new family dynamics, it’s important to establish a strong family bond from the beginning. This is your new family, and it makes everything easier when everyone gets along. Ellen comments, “The bottom line is kids want friends. They want everybody to get along. A step-sibling can be a great ally in the blended family world. My number one suggestion is just to take time and do relationship-building activities.”
Here are some ways you can grow closer as a family:
- Have dinner together at the table
- Play board games
- Go to the park
- Support each other’s activities (sports, music, theater, etc.)
The goal is to build friendships among the step-kids and step-parents. This takes time, but with some effort, it will be a much easier transition.
The Benefits of Therapy in Blended Family Situations
Every situation is different; that’s what makes step-family relationships so difficult. There isn’t a rulebook or guideline to tell you what to do. Therapy can be beneficial to understanding your circumstances and how to improve them, even if there isn’t anything inherently wrong. A dedicated person can assess your unique situation and give you advice. With years of education and experience, they will give solutions to ease any tension and help you create a solid family dynamic.
It’s beneficial for kids too. Ellen mentions, “If it’s a messy situation, and even if it seems like it’s a very calm situation, they need to have a sounding board separate from the parents.” A child may feel uncomfortable speaking to you about how they’re feeling. They don’t want to hurt your feelings or make you angry if they’re struggling with the immense change in their lives. Take them to therapy; it will give them a safe space to open up about their struggles and learn how to cope with them. While you might give good advice, you’re close to the situation and desperate for it to work out. Allow them the space to work through their feelings with a professional.
A blended family can be successful! It’s important to establish responsibilities with your partner early on and give your child the space to process and learn their role in this new family dynamic.
If you’re struggling to handle a blended family situation, give us a call. We’d be happy to help.