“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.”
-Lewis Caroll
Are you setting a New Year’s Resolution this year? Whether your goal is to improve your physical health, mental health, career, or relationships, one thing is clear: failing to plan is planning to fail. Many of us have the best of intentions for self-improvement, yet end up frustrated when we don’t make the progress we want toward our goals. We checked with goal-setting and self-improvement experts: Here are the the most common resolution-derailing mistakes…and how to address them to keep your goals on-track!
We tend to consider goals as matters of pure ‘willpower’ or of raw strength. This idea of self-run will power inevitably leads to burnout, dismay, and eventually self-doubt. It is better to focus on setting up the external factors likely to assure success.
As Lincoln once said, “If I had 8 hours to chop down a tree, I would spend 6 of those hours sharpening my axe”. We often fail to consider the condition of our axeblade, and simply begin swinging away with all our strength at our goals without a thought of our dull blade. Before we know it, our internal drive is exhausted. By focusing instead on external factors like the quality of our blade, we can conserve motivation to last through even long-term goals.
1: A.I.M. for S.M.A.R.T. Goals
Natalie Samuels recommends the simple S.M.A.R.T. goal format: the idea that goals should be Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Reasonable, and Time-Oriented. She explains, “The biggest reason our new year’s resolutions fail is lack of specificity–failing to sit down and identify what our ambitions are precisely. I find that when people really reflect and craft that goal carefully, they are much more likely to succeed”. Natalie often helps individuals achieve their goals at Kenosis Counseling, and recommends this guide: The Essential Guide to Writing S.M.A.R.T. Goals.
Above all, Natalie stresses the importance of incorporating our goals into our close relationships in life:
“Telling loved ones about your goals and specific ways that they can support you in your journey is huge. When things get tough, they can help you keep going, and can help keep you accountable. Linking yourself with a buddy who has a similar goal also helps, such as a workout buddy or a support group for people trying to quit an addiction.”
Amanda Younger suggests a modification to the SMART model. Like Natalie, Amanda often works with ambitious clients who hold themselves to high standards. Amanda explains how to avoid setting the bar too high:
“I like using AIM SMART. The idea is to establish anAcceptable minimum amount of progress towards our goal as well as anIdeal (maximum) amount of progress towards our goal. This leaves us to figure out aMiddle (compromise) between the minimum and maximum, and prevents us from setting ourselves up to feel like we failed in the first place.”
2: Resolutions Must be Shared
Our resolutions are usually highly personal goals, which can lead us to keep them in secret–perhaps creating a self-improvement plan which allows little room for outside input. We resolve to battle our internal foes without aid from anyone or anything outside our control, then are surprised when we fail. Resolutions for self-improvement make much more sense within the context of a close relationship. Opening up about our goals allows for commitment, team effort and accountability. When did it become so commonplace to think we could accomplish everything all on our own?
“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
Like most therapists, Carol Sheets believes that involving our loved ones in our personal goals is essential to our success. Unlike most therapists, Carol “The Coach” developed a special practice to help individuals overcome addictions and achieve personal goals by working with a client’s significant other in tandem.
“Although the term codependency is used to describe many people who want to help others heal, I choose to use the term ‘prodependence’ because it honors the partnership and the work that the family/couple does together to deal with addiction,” explains Carol in the interview below.Carol has seen this approach successfully address an addiction in over a thousand couples over the course of her practice.
Carol’s work demonstrates the importance of sharing our life goals openly with the person we’re closest to in life. Moreover, her work shows how sharing resolutions within the context of a loving relationship increases the odds of achieving even our loftiest personal goals.
Shame but the Partner Carries the Pain: Understanding How the Sex Addict Can Help Heal the Couple-ship
3: Cultivate Renewable ‘Resolve’
’Resolve’ alone may be enough to get through January, but keeping motivation high for the other eleven months requires action. When we feel inspired, we often make radical decisions and think that this burst of inspiration will be enough to fuel our efforts. This is simply not realistic. We need more than just inspiration–we need daily discipline. We must re-make the resolution every day and continue in it even when we don’t feel like doing so.
Becky Robbins practices unique visualization techniques to help her clients picture their desired change and make it manifest:
“I love ritual, and so if a client seeks some change in the new year, I ask them what habits they want to develop, what character traits they want to change, etc. Then when we meet again, we discuss what that might look like andhow they will remember their commitment to the desired change,and what life will look like after. Then we create an art piece of some sort to embody that vision of change so they can regularly connect with it as a matter of ritual. For example, seeing a painting hanging on a wall everyday can be a great reminder of our determination.”
How Sharp is Your Axe?
Good luck achieving your goals this year, and remember these three key takeaways:
Plan the specifics of your goal using the S.M.A.R.T. method, while remembering to reframe progress/setbacks using the A.I.M. technique.
Discuss your goal with others for the sake of morale, problem-solving, and accountability. Pursuing goals alone lead to broken resolutions. Don’t strive for independence, but rather inter-dependence.
Renew your commitment periodically and keep your motivation fresh with visual reminders and ritualized self-reflection.
At Kenosis we hope you’ll take a moment to sharpen your axe before swinging away with brute force. These 3 practices will temper your blade to cut down the biggest of trees. If all else fails–every day is a chance to reflect on our progress and set new goals…perhaps the biggest fallacy of the New Year’s Resolution is that we only reflect upon it once a year!