Raising a gifted child can be both delightful and demanding. Gifted kids often need a different kind of guidance, encouragement, and structure than their peers. When it comes to gifted girls, those needs can look especially nuanced.
In our counseling work with families, we see time and again that giftedness in girls often presents differently than it does in boys. Girls may excel quietly, mask their talents to fit in, or channel their intensity into art and empathy rather than academic subjects. As a result, gifted girls are more at risk of having their talents go unnoticed at home and at school.
If giftedness isn’t identified and nurtured, these girls can grow into adolescents and young adults who underachieve relative to their abilities, doubt themselves, and feel chronically unfulfilled. To help families navigate this challenge, we invited two trusted voices to weigh in: Julie Conrad, High Ability Coordinator at the Metropolitan School District of Decatur Township in Indianapolis, and Christine Turo-Shields, owner of Kenosis Counseling Center. Both women bring professional expertise and lived experience to this topic, as they were gifted girls themselves and are also parents of gifted daughters.
Below, we’ll explore why gifted girls so often get missed, how to recognize giftedness in your daughter, and concrete steps you can take to advocate for her growth.
Why Gifted Girls Get Missed
A common misconception is that “gifted” means preternatural excellence in math and the hard sciences. While that’s one way giftedness can show up, it may also express itself as heightened sensitivity, whether it be emotional, relational, moral, or sensory. As it turns out, these traits can be more common among gifted girls than gifted boys, and they are also commonly overlooked by adults and educational institutions.
Conrad notes, “Girls are less likely to be identified in lots of things, not just giftedness. They tend to be our high achievers, and they’re fine in the classroom, so a lot of times they sort of fly under the radar because they’re well-behaved, whereas boys will act out more.”
She adds that gendered expectations begin very early in life with what researchers call felt pressure. This is the mismatch between a girl’s personal preferences and what she thinks is expected or allowed of her. “If you think about a little boy that’s loud and outspoken, he might be considered to be a leader,” Conrad says. “A little girl who’s loud and outspoken might be told she’s bossy or too aggressive. And this happens as early as in preschool.”
In the same vein, when girls are naturally interested in STEM subjects, they may realize that their interest clashes with social expectations. Over time, some learn to mask, or hide their abilities in order to fit in. Conrad says, “I have noticed even with my sixth graders, the girls are starting to do that because they want to be cool in front of their male peers. They learn, ‘I should be quiet, because it’s not cool for me to speak up in calculus class.’ ”
Long-term masking behavior not only prevents gifted girls from achieving their full potential, but also erodes their self-confidence and can cause a lack of fulfillment later in life. “Gifted girls, if they’re underachieving, and if they’re twice exceptional, have a higher rate of suicidal ideation and a higher rate of mental health issues,” Conrad explains.
How to Identify Giftedness in Girls
It’s clear that gifted girls suffer when their interests and abilities are not recognized and supported. So how can you tell if your daughter might be gifted?
Every gifted child is unique, but there are some patterns we see often among gifted girls. Below are a few of the most common characteristics to watch for.
1) Heightened empathic and emotional responses
Gifted girls may experience emotions very intensely and be highly empathic toward other people or animals. As an example, Turo-Shields recounts a time when her gifted daughter called her on the phone in tears after watching a television commercial documenting the cruelty of puppy mills.
“She felt that on a visceral level, and she was inconsolable,” she says. “With gifted girls, sometimes family, friends, teachers and parents will say, ‘Oh, she’s just dramatic,’ which can be very dismissive. This is how they’re hardwired, and it is intense for them.”
2) Sensory sensitivity and overstimulation
Loud sounds, rough textures, and bright lights can be irritating and even overwhelming for some gifted children. Turo-Shields says, “Everything was amplified for this one girl, including chewing. She would go into rages and couldn’t sit at the dinner table with the family for months because it was just too painful for her. It was like nails on a chalkboard.”
If your daughter often complains about the way her clothes feel, the taste or texture of food, or even odors that make her feel ill, then she might be exhibiting signs of sensory sensitivity related to giftedness.
3) Asynchronous development
Asynchronous development refers to uneven development across intellectual, emotional, social, and physical domains. Conrad offers a helpful example: “Let’s say your actual age is 10. Cognitively, you’re more like 14, as far as the math you can do and the reading you can do. Emotionally, you might be 8, so you struggle with some emotional development. Physically, you may be very small for your age.”
Asynchronous development can manifest in novel ways and lead to unique challenges. “Gifted kids can have terrible handwriting, because their brain is going so much faster than their hand can. They don’t have the physical ability to write quickly,” Conrad adds.
Turo-Shields captures asynchrony this way: “A child could have a chronological age of 6, speak like a 12-year-old, feel deeply about world peace like a 22-year-old, but then you say it’s time to take a bath, and they have a meltdown like a 2-year-old.”
4) Difficulty socializing with same-age peers
Because gifted girls often have interests which aren’t typical of other children their age, they may struggle with socializing and forming friendships. Conrad explains, “Their interests are different than what society says their interests should be. Whether that’s STEM, or a book they’re really obsessed with, or dinosaurs, or whatever it is, those behaviors stick out like a sore thumb.”
As a result, gifted girls may prefer to talk with people who are much older than them. Conrad shares, “My girls, for instance, when they were little, they could talk to an adult like it was no big thing, and their friends were always older than them.” Still, many gifted girls struggle with feeling “weird” because they are so unlike their same-age peers.
5) Masking to meet social expectations
As discussed above, many gifted girls learn to downplay their curiosity or competence in order to fit in. In some cases, they might change their interests entirely if they don’t feel supported. Turo-Shields shares, “I am glad I’m sitting where I’m sitting today, and my job is incredibly gratifying, but I was a gifted girl who wanted to do computers. Imagine if my interests had been nourished. I was thinking about attending MIT, but I just kind of switched that part of my brain off and stopped learning Math in high school.”
If your daughter suddenly stops showing interest in topics that once fascinated her greatly, it’s possible she is masking her giftedness.
6) Co-occurring neurodivergence or mental health challenges
It’s not uncommon for giftedness to occur alongside neurodivergence or mental health challenges, which is a condition called twice exceptional or 2e. Because some gifted behaviors can look similar to symptoms of common mental health disorders, parents might not think to have their daughter tested for giftedness as well.
“What I have seen clinically when parents are bringing me their kiddos, is you can listen to a kiddo for about 2 to 4 minutes and realize, “Oh, they’re gifted,’ ” Turo-Shields says. “Parents will bring them in and say, ‘I think they have ADHD,’ or they’re depressed, or they’re anxious. And it may be some of those, but it may also be giftedness, and that’s part of the layer that we have to attend to. That’s when I’ll recommend IQ and achievement testing as part of the clinical evaluation.”
How to Be an Advocate for a Gifted Girl
The good news about gifted girls is they can happily rise to their intellectual, emotional, and social potential with consistent support and encouragement. Parents can be some of the most powerful advocates for gifted girls throughout their childhood and adolescence.
Here are some practical steps you can take to support a gifted daughter.
Name and normalize gifted traits
Normalize your daughter’s particular sensitivities and intensities. Teach her the language of neurodiversity, temperament (e.g. introvert/ambivert/extrovert), and asynchronous development so she doesn’t interpret her differences from her peers as defects. Turo-Shields’ mantra applies here: “Different is different—it’s not good or bad.”
Validate her emotions and teach self-regulation
When big emotions overwhelm your daughter, be sure to validate what she is feeling (e.g. “That was a lot of noise,” or “It makes sense you care so much about this”). Then coach her on skills for calming down, such as paced breathing, grounding activities, movement breaks, sensory tools, journaling, or quiet time. For introverted daughters, protect time to decompress after school; for extroverts, plan healthy outlets for social connection.
Support her passions, no matter how unusual
Conrad advises, “Nurture their interests. Whatever they may be, let them go with it.” She recalls her first-grade daughter’s obsession with rocks, and how the Earth Science teacher at her school became a treasured mentor. Give your daughter permission to dive deep into her passions, even if they are ultimately short-lived.
Build a team of role models
If possible, your daughter should have several supportive adults in her life (in addition to you) who can serve as mentors and role models. Seek out mentors in her areas of interest so she sees what’s possible and feels less alone. Conrad says, “One thing that helped me a lot was having adults in my life that encouraged me, particularly strong female role models who shared my interests and who I could see were achieving.”
Nurture her self-efficacy
Excessive perfectionism is common among gifted girls, to the extent that they might lose faith and stop trying if things get too hard. Conrad explains, “The challenges that gifted girls face—the underachievement, the rate of anxiety, all of those things—they come together into, ‘I don’t know that I can do this.’ ” Normalize mistakes as important steps toward improvement. Share your own stories of failure and growth, or ask her mentors to share theirs.
Write introduction letters for teachers
Send your daughter’s teacher a friendly, proactive note at the start of each school year to introduce her strengths and challenges, as well as which supports work best for her. “Advocate, not alienate,” Turo-Shields advises. Remember to approach teachers as partners, not opponents.
These letters might include:
- What excites your daughter (interests, passions, preferred learning style)
- What overwhelms her (sensory and emotional triggers)
- What helps when she’s struggling (e.g. movement breaks, noise reduction, clear expectations, intellectual challenge)
- A grateful and collaborative tone that reinforces a desire for your daughter to be a lifelong learner
Collaborate with schools on tailored instruction
Many teachers and school administrators will be happy to accommodate your daughter’s needs if you ask kindly. You might discuss subject acceleration, pre-testing to skip mastered content, independent studies, or enrichment clubs. Turo-Shields advises familiarizing yourself with the various acceleration options outlined in the landmark research study A Nation Deceived from the Acceleration Institute at Belin-Blank Center.
Always ask about “what’s possible” for your child’s education. Turo-Shields recommends that your child avoid using the word “bored” with teachers. “Instead say, ‘I’m not feeling challenged.’ That’s a more palatable way for teachers and administrators to hear, ‘I need a different direction,’ ” she says.
Consider assessment when it opens doors
If IQ and achievement testing can unlock scholarships, support services, or meaningful community membership for your daughter, then it might be worth pursuing. Remember that achievement data measures current performance while ability testing measures future potential. A trusted advisor can help you interpret both through a whole-child lens.