Divorce is a difficult process for kids and adults to go through. It’s natural for adults to want to find another partner to spend their lives with. In fact, it’s not uncommon. About 64% of men get remarried, and 52% of women. The likelihood of blended families is significant.
It’s not as easy as it sounds to merge two families. It goes beyond the “I do’s” and into the children’s lives, your family’s lives, and even your ex-spouse’s life. So how do we blend families successfully?
Lily Snodgrass is an associate at Kenosis, and we asked her to speak on this topic. Her background in helping kids and parents through a divorce and making the transition easy makes her an expert on the subject. Lily shares her advice on successfully blending families and common issues she sees in a blended household.
Biggest Issues with Blending Families
When you’re aware of potential issues, you know better how to mitigate them if they arise. These are some of the biggest ones Lily sees in her counseling sessions.
Lack of a family bond.
When we think of a family unit, we think of a family that’s supportive, gets along, and spends time together. Lily says, “When combining families, we can lack that attachment that makes a family feel like those things and like it has cohesion.”
The adjustment isn’t considered.
This is a huge adjustment for everyone involved, and it takes time to get used to. Lily explains, “Parents may be excited that they get to blend their kids, and they see a lot of positives, but it’s also an adjustment. You’re going to start living with new people, and you have to adjust to them. There can be new conflicts, sibling rivalry, attention competitions, etc.” All kids are unique and respond differently to blended family situations. Give your kids extra patience as they adjust to this new lifestyle.
Challenges with step-parent discipline.
Lily often hears kids complain that their stepmom or stepdad was fun before they got married, and now they’re in an authority role that they don’t like. Kids don’t respond to discipline in the same way. You and your spouse must agree on who is taking the disciplinary role, with whom, and how.
Another one is the parents have differing views about the rules and expectations in the house. Aligning those promotes stability and prevents the kids from ruling the home.
5 Ways to Make the Transition Easier
Although the transition can be sudden, there are some ways Lily recommends making it easier for everyone.
1. Put the kids first.
Everyone in the family needs safety and security, and big life adjustments lead to feelings of insecurity. Lily recommends, “Have a safe place where children can discuss their feelings. Maintain security through schedules, routines, and predictability.” Keeping kids’ schedules as normal as possible will help ease them into the blended family lifestyle.
Also, remember that adjustments take time. Lily says, “You can’t force a child into a bond or relationship with adults. Practicing patience and understanding that this process can be difficult, I think, is crucial.”
2. Spend quality time together.
Bonds don’t happen overnight, but they happen faster when people spend quality time together. Create new memories and traditions as one family unit. Here are some fun ways to spend quality time as a family:
- Go to the park
- Play a board game
- Travel together
- Support each other’s activities (sports, theater, band, etc.)
3. Set upfront expectations regarding discipline.
Have open conversations with your spouse about expectations regarding discipline and agree to each other’s preferences. Lily shares an example: “The biological parent isn’t comfortable with the step-parent disciplining via spanking, and they prefer to call them and have a conversation first. Have all those things talked about before you get to the point where it turns into conflict.”
4. Focus on making kids feel included in the family.
While quality time is a great way to do this, Lily also recommends staying conscious of the language you’re using to describe the family. “Use languages, such as ‘our kids’ or ‘the kids’ rather than ‘mine’ and ‘your kids.’ Words say a lot, and kids pick up on those subtleties very easily,” advises Lily.
5. Keep adult issues, adult issues.
There’s no need to involve your kids in your adult problems. Just as we recommend not involving kids in issues that come with divorce, the same goes for blended family situations.
Communication: The Solution to Everything
Blended families are faced with constant struggle. You’re basically starting over with dating and marriage, but now kids are involved. Up-front communication needs to be prioritized more than ever. Have conversations about issues that come up before they boil over and get worse.
Lily explains, “One of the big things I run into with blended families is one part of the family often feels like their feelings are misunderstood, so focus on validating feelings about how hard [blended families] can be.”
The goal is to have an open-door policy in the home. Allow and encourage your kids or stepkids to approach you when upset. If the kids aren’t ready to do that yet, Lily recommends counseling for individuals and the family. Look for someone who specializes in divorce and/or blended families. They will have a deeper knowledge of how to proceed based on your unique situation.
There are many examples of successful blended families, and there are things you can do to ensure success in your own situation. You don’t have to go through it alone. We recommend attending counseling to get a third-party perspective on your circumstances and how you can make the transition easier for everyone. Individual, couples or family counseling may be appropriate depending on your situation. Contact us today to learn about your options.