The above phrase is one I often use with the women I meet in my office who are either in some stage of pregnancy and struggle with a perinatal mood disorder or have recently delivered their child and suffer from the “baby blues”. They are some of the strongest and most beautiful souls I have known. These women carry out one of the most intricate acts of bringing a new life into this world. A task so delicate, complicated, and life-giving that it would be insensitive for anyone to think that everything can go back to being “normal” the very next day.
“Normalcy” has often been defined in a very rigid manner and does not take into consideration the spectrum of emotions that we naturally have as human beings. Media and ads can depict an expectation of how a mother and newborn should be: smiling, happy, bonding, balancing household duties with ease along with the newborn’s schedule etc. Unspoken in these images are the bittersweet struggles that may follow the arrival of the little one. A woman’s body during pregnancy and after delivery undergoes drastic changes – both internally from hormonal changes and externally through physical changes to the body. I will never forget the empty gaze one new mom had in my office while holding her one-week-old infant in her arms. This client had such a loving personality, but the fact of the matter is that her personality had nothing to do with the occurrence of postpartum depression. Instead, the depression left her with a paralyzing sense of guilt over her inability to connect with her infant. Circumstances such as the inability to bond with the newborn, a sense of detachment, lack of sleep/nutrition, perfectionism, and minimal outside support can all create the perfect concoction for postpartum depression.
Self-care can often be perceived as synonymous with being selfish and this often poses to be an obstacle in the path to recovery. A perfectionist attitude places a heavy burden on the new mom where she expects much from herself despite the newness of the situation. Guilt plays into the need to attend to others than to self. In addition, prior conceptions of how their mothers were or were not can lead to unhealthy assumptions of how to operate as a new mother. Setting such a high standard results in feelings of failure despite a genuine effort taken to function in that role.
Certain cultures require the expectant mother to move to her parents home the third trimester and stay for as long as 3 months after the baby is born. It doesn’t take much time to understand and appreciate the value of this custom for both the mother and the infant, especially from a mental health perspective. This provides the woman a chance to recover and heal physically and emotionally while receiving sufficient support with the baby. This reduces her stress levels which in turn helps the mother to be more present to her child. But in a society where individualism and the “you can do it all” attitude are held in high esteem, the postpartum woman suffers much in silence and isolation.
Postpartum depression is very real! Support groups and communal assistance can make a positive difference. Apart from family and friends, there are professional therapists and support groups available. As a therapist I consider it an honor to walk alongside these women who are vulnerable and have such courage to overcome what stands right before them for the sake of their precious child. These women need to understand that they have been through a major life event, and they must be aware of their emotions and open to asking for help. Seeking support from a group where other women struggling with similar issues can be validating. The external support helps with coping as other new moms share resources or new strategies on reducing stress. With the appropriate help, these moms can work through their issues and heal.
There is a rainbow at the end of the rugged road. I want these women to know they are not alone. Sometimes we feel selfish telling others what we need. Sometimes people treat us as if we’re being selfish for asking for those things. But don’t buy into that lie and assert your needs. Don’t be afraid to communicate the things that need to happen in order for you to feel truly loved and connected with your child or your loved ones. And don’t be afraid to work with the people in your life to get those needs met. Be kind, be gentle with yourself.